My Very Broke birthday, and why it was one of the best.
24, and a mom of three.
This year is probably one of the money-less birthdays I have had. It was humbling in a way. I spent my day not worrying about what I could get, but what I could give. Giving feels much better than receiving or expecting to receive. At first, it felt a bit down and disappointed to tell the truth. So, I spent my day so far attempting to make a better life for the family. Though I feel defeated, the fight is still in me to find the answer and break through. Tonight I plan to spend my birthday evening driving to put food on the table and take care of my own.
A realization hits, that once you give birth or essentially adopt children in one way or another your responsibility lies with the children and their wellbeing, not your own. It seems to be a tough pill to swallow for some, but for me it gives me sense of duty. Growing up, I felt I never could contribute much. Now that I’m older I plan to use it to make a difference.
Years of time behind the bottle, and attempting to pass time to make it through another year or even another day never filled voids or that feeling of needing a purpose in life.
Something I always found myself doing was taking care of anything and anyone I could. There is a feeling that comes with helping others that is unparalleled, even if you don’t see any thing in return. I still have yet to find what suits me best, like a niche or something.
Last week, during the last hour of my rideshare driving; I received a rideshare request and made it to the destination. Only to find that the person didn’t exist, the phone number was unreachable and I landed my self in a strangers driveway to exchange confused looks.
After a moment or so, he approached me and I rolled my window down. After a few moments of explaining the situation as well as being unable to contact support, me and the gentleman that resided there began carrying a conversation about our backgrounds and our place in life. (Earlier and throughout the day, it was nothing but turmoil and arguing with my significant other about showing up at the dealership to have my headlight bulb replaced). Stressed and depressed, I carried on about the hardships of paying for expensive repairs on my vehicle and the more expensive ones to follow.
He mentioned how he has been upholstering for a living, not making bank but enough to be happy. That was an amazing thought, making enough doing what you enjoyed and living simply. Sometimes I feel its not that simple for me, then I also wonder well could it ?
Already struggling with lack of self esteem, and confidence; he said an amazing thing, ” remember, you are the prize. And human love is measurable and can be inadequate at times, but remember gods love compared to a humans capability is a mountain. I’m no church goer or dedicated bible reader, but I had my doubts until I asked then was answered. One day I asked, ‘ what ever happened to the disciples, and the very next day a guy showed up at my work with a tape holding the answer’ , I was shocked. A few more times I asked questions to the lord, and was answered every time. God is there. He loves you and life can be hell, its no ones fault it’s just life”.
I truly thought he was insane at first, then it fell in to place. My nerves eased, shoulders relaxed and felt more at ease. A little faith can go a long way, sorry for getting off topic. Ever since speaking with the man I felt a little lighter, my oldest is convinced this guy spoke to an angel directly. It truly wouldn’t surprise me.
Between humbling experiences and moving, life feels different. Most of the time I feel very frustrated, but I get the reminder in the back of my mind: there is more, you have to work for it. God will never give you what you seek directly, but he will guide you there. I will admit its very frustrating at times that I cant jump on an opportunity or thrive quickly, lack of the money and resources I suppose forces me to learn patience, which is something I have always lacked. 
Is there a humbling experience or a time when you realized what your life is truly meant for?
